Yeslighting

A mild rant

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[Full warning: This is a bit of a cranky one—but still, I hope, a useful concept!]

First there was gaslighting: responding to another person in a way that undermines their reality.

Then there was lightgassing: responding to another person in a way that validates their delusions.

In this taxonomy of shitty behavior, I’d like to introduce another subspecies of less-than-fully-honest personal conduct:

yeslighting — responding to another person in a way that implies actions you haven’t actually taken.

To be clear, yeslighting is not, generally speaking, a form of lying. Rather, like lightgassing, it usually stems from a desire to avoid confronting or disappointing people we care about. Unwilling to hurt or offend, we agree to take on favors, projects, and social obligations we haven’t done the work to actually keep.

The problem is that, in the end, it is the actual fulfillment of the request which counts—not merely the saying you will; and breaking a promise is usually worse than never having made one in the first place.

Of course, there are some contexts where we all know that “yes” shouldn’t necessarily be taken at face value. (“We should grab lunch sometime!”) But these social situations are, I think, the exception rather than the rule. Usually, when someone asks if you’re able to attend their birthday, or take care of their dog for a week, or read a draft of their cover letter, agreement is understood to convey real predictive information about your behavior. The asker does not literally want to know whether you are able to do these things but, rather, whether you actually will do them.¹

What actions, exactly, are required in these scenarios? How do we avoid yeslighting? Naturally, the answer to this will will depend on the specific ask and situation;² in the particular examples above, I’d suggest the very basic implied behaviors are, respectively:

• Birthday RSVP — Checking your calendar to see if you’re free at the time of the party, and likely setting a reminder to pop up the day of the event.

• Dogsitting — Again, checking your calendar, and also figuring out when and how you will feed, walk, get emergency medical care, etc. for the dog.

• Cover letter review — Adding a task to your to-do list to review the draft, and perhaps blocking off time to do so.

These actions aren’t rocket science; they’re quite obvious, and may not even require much advance thought. But among certain populations (the young, the emotionally stunted, the lacking in conscientiousness) they often seem to somehow…not happen.

To be sure, everyone is forgetful now and again—we’re only human. And I actually believe there is much to be admired in a life of serendipity, experienced in the present and free of constant obligations. I don’t begrudge anyone the right to spontaneity, nor do I think everyone should be forced to use to-do lists and Google Calendar!

The beef I have is with those who want to enjoy the blessings of spontaneity but are unwilling to face the discomfort of saying no (or, less awkwardly, “I’m not sure!”) to people seeking their commitment.³ This, in my view, is where yeslighting can begin to resemble traditional gaslighting: There are only so many times a person can say “sorry, I forgot!” or “sorry, I had a conflict come up!” before one has to wonder why they don’t appear to have any system whatsoever in place to help them remember or ensure they don’t double-book themselves. It’s sort of like saying “sorry, I can’t see you!” while wearing a paper bag over your head: The problem is volitional, not technical.

You probably have some yeslighters in your life: individuals whose commitments and RSVPs you learn not to place much stock in. Perhaps you have yourself been this person at times. (I know I have!) The creeping mistrust I’m describing is, I think, the ultimate cost of yeslighting: Your “yes” is so easy that it ceases to be an honest signal. Instead, the word carries little meaning beyond “I don’t want to disappoint anyone/have an uncomfortable interaction with anyone” (which, you know, join the club…) Eventually, people may stop bothering to ask for you to do things in the first place.

Saying no (or, again, simply being clear about your inability to give an answer right now) is a difficult skill. It’s almost certainly more difficult for some of us than others—either temperamentally or because of social factors beyond our control (e.g., gender, institutional seniority, etc.).⁴ But learning to say no is an essential life skill, and one that gets easier with practice. This is all the more true when we realize that yeslighting isn’t really saving us any social costs at all—just deferring them, with interest, into the future.

1. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: “A goal without a plan is just a wish.”

2. In general, I think the opposite of yeslighting is something like what Emily Oster calls “Total Responsibility Transfer.” In this framework, agreeing to do a task automatically implies agreeing to take on the administrivia of planning, remembering, communicating, etc. said task as well.

3. The late Daniel Kanneman purportedly had a rule that he would never say yes to requests for his time while on the phone; instead, he would always wait until after the call and, free from the social pressure of a live conversation, accept or reject the request via email.

4. Some social environments are also much more permissive than others of direct requests and denials. For a great discussion of this, see “Ask vs. Guess Culture” by Jean Hsu.